Fifteen Minutes Of Fiction Writing Gallery

What I DON'T Like About Spring: Ok, maybe this isn't exactly what the writing prompt was looking for...
Posted by Josiah T., May 4, 2008. 3173 views. ID = 1246

What I DON'T Like About Spring

Posted by Josiah T., May 4, 2008. 3173 views. ID = 1246
This post was written in 3 minutes.
Yeah, this is what happened at 10:30 last night...

Pardon my second attempt at poetry... :-P
This post has been awarded 21 stars by 6 readers.

I went up to the bedroom,
And walked in through the door,
And found a severed mouse head,
Sitting on the floor.

And as I looked around,
I found another mouse,
The cats were playing with them,
Inside of the house.

Though spring is finally here,
I really must confess,
I think I prefer winter,
To all this bloody mess.


I'd rather slip and fall
All over shiny ice,
Then walk into a room,
And find it full of mice!

Copyright 2008 Josiah T.. All rights reserved. FifteenMinutesOfFiction.com has been granted non-exclusive rights to display this work. For permission to reprint this item, please contact the author.
 


   
You must be logged in to comment on or rate this writing.

Click here to join the Fifteen Minutes Of Fiction Writing Community!

This post has been awarded 21 stars by 6 readers.
This post is part of a writing prompt: April Showers and May Flowers
This is a revised version of a post. Click here to view the original version

Comments


Josiah T.
May 4, 2008
I don't think the second half flows as well as the first half. Anyone got any suggestions?
   ~Posted by Josiah T., May 4, 2008

Douglas
May 4, 2008
Fun poem. :) Later today I'll try to give you some meter suggestions that'll help improve it. I've got to go get ready to preach at the nursing home right now, though!
   ~Posted by Douglas, May 4, 2008

Josiah T.
May 4, 2008
haha, thats fine. :-)
   ~Posted by Josiah T., May 4, 2008

Katie
May 4, 2008
Yeah, it is a little awkward to read. Where's Rabbit Stu when you need him? ;-)

But I really like the subject matter. :-D That gave me a good laugh. :-P
   ~Posted by Katie, May 4, 2008

Mathax
May 4, 2008
Is this what you were muttering about last night?
   ~Posted by Mathax, May 4, 2008

Josiah T.
May 4, 2008
Hmm...I've edited it a little bit. Is this easier to read? I think so, but then again, I'm no expert...
   ~Posted by Josiah T., May 4, 2008

Josiah T.
May 4, 2008
Yeah, it is a little awkward to read.

Well, I think part of that (and the reason I think this is because I find myself running into it all the time with Rabbit's poems) is that when you read it, you don't have the same rhythm that the author (in this case, me! :-P ) had when he wrote it.

But maybe I'm wrong. I dunno.
   ~Posted by Josiah T., May 4, 2008

Douglas
May 4, 2008
For the most part you've got a 3-accent per line rhythm going on, but here are some issues with it:

[quote]As I looked around,[/quote]

It works if you read it "AS i LOOKED aROUND", but that's not the most obvious reading, because "as" is not a strong word, so we want to read it as unaccented.

It almost works if you read it "as *I* looked aROUND", but that's only two accents in the line.

You can make this work just be adding the word "And" to the beginning of the line:

"and AS i LOOKED aROUND" This forces the reader to accent "as"

[quote]Inside of the house.[/quote]

Is that "INside OF the HOUSE" or "inSIDE of the HOUSE"? "inside" is a funny word because it's acceptable to accent it either way, which means the reader isn't going to be sure how to read that line.

I don't have a suggestion off the top of my head for fixing that.

[quote]I think I prefer winter,[/quote]

"i THINK i PREfer WINter" doesn't work because "prefer" should have the accent on the other syllable.

"i MUCH preFER the WINter" would solve that.

Hope that helps!
   ~Posted by Douglas, May 4, 2008

Douglas
May 4, 2008
Huh. I guess the "quote" feature doesn't work on the writing pages.
   ~Posted by Douglas, May 4, 2008

Josiah T.
May 5, 2008
Thanks. I didn't really have time to fix it up yesterday, and I'm not sure if I'll have time today or not, but I'll try those at some point.
   ~Posted by Josiah T., May 5, 2008

Douglas
May 6, 2008
"As I looked around,
I found another mouse,
The cats were playing with them,
Inside of the house.
"

Looking at this a second time, here are some additional thoughts:

1. The mouse you found - was it dead? If so, probably the verb tense should be "cats had been playing" or "cats had played"

2. If it's a singular mouse, then the cats were playing with "it" or "him" or "her", rather than "them"
   ~Posted by Douglas, May 6, 2008



Search for Great Fiction

Use the google search bar below to find writings exclusively on this site.

Custom Search



News!    Writing Prompt    My Assignment    FAQ    Contact    Privacy Policy    Search     Terms of Use     Login