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What I DON'T Like About Spring
Posted by Josiah T., May 4, 2008. 1639 views. ID = 1246
This post was written in 3 minutes.
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 | Yeah, this is what happened at 10:30 last night...
Pardon my second attempt at poetry... :-P |  | This post has been awarded 21 stars by 6 readers. |
I went up to the bedroom,
And walked in through the door,
And found a severed mouse head,
Sitting on the floor.
And as I looked around,
I found another mouse,
The cats were playing with them,
Inside of the house.
Though spring is finally here,
I really must confess,
I think I prefer winter,
To all this bloody mess.
I'd rather slip and fall
All over shiny ice,
Then walk into a room,
And find it full of mice!
Copyright 2008 Josiah T.. All rights reserved. FifteenMinutesOfFiction.com has been granted non-exclusive rights to display this work. For permission to reprint this item, please contact the author.
Comments
Josiah T.
May 4, 2008 | I don't think the second half flows as well as the first half. Anyone got any suggestions?
~Posted by Josiah T., May 4, 2008 | 
Douglas
May 4, 2008 | Fun poem. :) Later today I'll try to give you some meter suggestions that'll help improve it. I've got to go get ready to preach at the nursing home right now, though!
~Posted by Douglas, May 4, 2008 |
Josiah T.
May 4, 2008 | haha, thats fine. :-)
~Posted by Josiah T., May 4, 2008 | 
Katie
May 4, 2008 | Yeah, it is a little awkward to read. Where's Rabbit Stu when you need him? ;-)
But I really like the subject matter. :-D That gave me a good laugh. :-P
~Posted by Katie, May 4, 2008 | 
Mathax
May 4, 2008 | Is this what you were muttering about last night?
~Posted by Mathax, May 4, 2008 |
Josiah T.
May 4, 2008 | Hmm...I've edited it a little bit. Is this easier to read? I think so, but then again, I'm no expert...
~Posted by Josiah T., May 4, 2008 |
Josiah T.
May 4, 2008 | Yeah, it is a little awkward to read.
Well, I think part of that (and the reason I think this is because I find myself running into it all the time with Rabbit's poems) is that when you read it, you don't have the same rhythm that the author (in this case, me! :-P ) had when he wrote it.
But maybe I'm wrong. I dunno.
~Posted by Josiah T., May 4, 2008 |
Douglas
May 4, 2008 | For the most part you've got a 3-accent per line rhythm going on, but here are some issues with it:
[quote]As I looked around,[/quote]
It works if you read it "AS i LOOKED aROUND", but that's not the most obvious reading, because "as" is not a strong word, so we want to read it as unaccented.
It almost works if you read it "as *I* looked aROUND", but that's only two accents in the line.
You can make this work just be adding the word "And" to the beginning of the line:
"and AS i LOOKED aROUND" This forces the reader to accent "as"
[quote]Inside of the house.[/quote]
Is that "INside OF the HOUSE" or "inSIDE of the HOUSE"? "inside" is a funny word because it's acceptable to accent it either way, which means the reader isn't going to be sure how to read that line.
I don't have a suggestion off the top of my head for fixing that.
[quote]I think I prefer winter,[/quote]
"i THINK i PREfer WINter" doesn't work because "prefer" should have the accent on the other syllable.
"i MUCH preFER the WINter" would solve that.
Hope that helps!
~Posted by Douglas, May 4, 2008 |
Douglas
May 4, 2008 | Huh. I guess the "quote" feature doesn't work on the writing pages.
~Posted by Douglas, May 4, 2008 |
Josiah T.
May 5, 2008 | Thanks. I didn't really have time to fix it up yesterday, and I'm not sure if I'll have time today or not, but I'll try those at some point.
~Posted by Josiah T., May 5, 2008 |
Douglas
May 6, 2008 | "As I looked around,
I found another mouse,
The cats were playing with them,
Inside of the house."
Looking at this a second time, here are some additional thoughts:
1. The mouse you found - was it dead? If so, probably the verb tense should be "cats had been playing" or "cats had played"
2. If it's a singular mouse, then the cats were playing with "it" or "him" or "her", rather than "them"
~Posted by Douglas, May 6, 2008 |
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