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DHARMA Initiative Orientation: A Lost skit involving Dr. Mark Wickmund doing a Dharma Initiative orientation film, and placards in the style of Juliet
Posted by Douglas, Feb 24, 2008. 1686 views. ID = 646

DHARMA Initiative Orientation

Posted by Douglas, Feb 24, 2008. 1686 views. ID = 646
This post was written in 3 minutes.
READ THIS FIRST: Every year we take our church youth group away for a weekend at a camp. We always begin with an orientation meeting in which we explain the rules and expectations for the weekend.

We always try to do some of the orientation in the form of a skit. One year I was Moses, giving the Ten Commandments. Another year, we did it as a news broadcast.

THIS YEAR, we did it as a DHARMA Initiative Orientation Film. So if you aren't familiar with the TV show LOST, this is not going to make a bit of sense.

Throughout the orientation (which was read by one of the other youth group leaders, named BEN), I held up placards (in the style of Juliet's secret message to Jack). That's what the parts [inside brackets] is.
This post has been awarded 23 stars by 6 readers.

Namaste. I am Dr. Mark Wickmund and this is your orientation film for station seven of the DHARMA Initiative.

Station seven, or THE HAVEN, is a laboratory where we work to understand the unique spiritual properties of this sector of the island.

Your tour of duty in THE HAVEN will last three days and during this time you and your colleagues will engage in a variety of activities designed to improve your physical, emotional, social, and spiritual well-being. Please be warned, however, that these activities are no fun at all, and at every moment of your time in THE HAVEN you run the risk of dismemberment, disfigurement, or death. [Don’t Listen To Ben].

During your stay in THE HAVEN, you will notice a wide variety of wildlife, including horses, wild boar, medusa spiders, orange elephants, and – of course – polar bears. Please stay far away from all of these animals, except the polar bears, which are actually quite tame. [Ben Is A Liar]

If you see black smoke emanating from the lodge, don’t panic or run in fear; it is merely exhaust from the furnace. Nothing to be alarmed about. [He Is Not A Good Man]

During your tour of duty in THE HAVEN, you may notice a free-standing pylon which emits a continuous stream of high-intensity sound waves. While these sounds may be irritating and annoying, they are not dangerous. It is merely Ira. [Ira Is Actually A Wise Man Guy] [But He’s Much Prettier Than Me].

At regular intervals throughout your three day tour, food will be airdropped into THE HAVEN. It is necessary that you partake of each nutritious meal, even though the fish biscuits are dry and tough and taste like worn out shoe leather. [Actually, the food is quite delicious]

The isolation that attends the duties associated with Station 7 may tempt you to try and utilize cell phones for communication with the outside world. This is strictly forbidden. Attempting to use devices in this manner will compromise the integrity of the project and worse, could lead to another incident, and the extinction of all mankind. [All personal electronic equipment must be turned in to me]

The barracks at station seven are strictly segregated; all male participants are housed in the upstairs of the gymnasium, while the female participants will be housed in the upstairs of the lodge. Neither gender may enter the security field (also known as THE STAIRS) protecting the other barracks; failure to abide by this rule may result in cerebral hemorrhaging and even death. [Or removal from THE HAVEN]

In addition, it has been discovered that, here in this region of the island, the resonant energy fields in the intervening space between oppositely gendered objects has a very high eigenvalue in the summation of the Hamiltonian, resulting in a locally mass-negative region of space-time, which could destabilize the entire region and result in the formation of wormholes and black holes. Because the strength of this energy field falls off rapidly with distance, we insist on maintaining proper distance between such objects at all times. [Translation: Guys and Girls – No Touchie!]

At regular intervals throughout your tour of duty at THE HAVEN, there will be training sessions which will allow you to function more effectively not just here on the island, but also when you return to the mainland. These training sessions, conducted by Jon, are mandatory. Jon is an excellent teacher, and you will find these sessions to be both enjoyable and beneficial [(after pausing to write on a previous placard): But He’s Much Not Prettier Than Me]

If at any time you find yourself longing for freedom from the strict rules and regulations of this DHARMA Initiative station, and you look out across the water hoping for escape, there are three words we ask that you remember:


Namaste, and Good luck!

Copyright 2008 Douglas. All rights reserved. has been granted non-exclusive rights to display this work. For permission to reprint this item, please contact the author.

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This post has been awarded 23 stars by 6 readers.


Feb 25, 2008
*laughs uproariously*
Sounds like fun! :-)
   ~Posted by Katie, Feb 25, 2008

The Purple Power
Mar 1, 2008
ah, good times, good times...
   ~Posted by The Purple Power, Mar 1, 2008

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