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From nine to five in Iambic Tetrameter: A view from a working man
Posted by R. Wesley Lovil, Apr 19, 2009. 1270 views. ID = 2540

From nine to five in Iambic Tetrameter

Posted by R. Wesley Lovil, Apr 19, 2009. 1270 views. ID = 2540
This post was written in 57487875 minutes.
I am still not sure about meter, any help would be appreciated
This post has been awarded 12 stars by 3 readers.

All day I work from 9 to 5
For nothing but some meager pay
I know I've lived but there's no proof
No one to say a life well lived
Before I admit my time was a waste
I'll search for meaning and reward
If none is found I'll accept defeat
And teach my kids from my mistakes


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This post has been awarded 12 stars by 3 readers.
This post is part of a writing prompt: Blank Verse

Comments


Douglas
Apr 19, 2009
This is quite good; just a couple glitches in the meter. Let's see...

Before I admit my time was a waste

Here you've got two places where there are two unaccented syllables in a row - "I ad" and "was a"

I don't immediately see a way to rewrite that to get rid of the extra syllables.

If none is found I'll accept defeat

Here the only problem is "I'll acc" which is two unaccented syllables together. I went to thesaurus.reference.com and ran a search for "accept," hoping to find a one syllable synonym for it. The best I found was "bear," so it would be

If none is found I'll bear defeat

It takes care of the rhythm, but I think that loses a little something...

Maybe others will have some other ideas.
   ~Posted by Douglas, Apr 19, 2009



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