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Posted by peekaboo28, Dec 31, 2014. 963 views. ID = 6875


Posted by peekaboo28, Dec 31, 2014. 963 views. ID = 6875
This post was written in 16 minutes.

Since I was a child I've always said I've wanted to grow up. For what reason? God must only know. Like I've referred to in my other posts, I was raised privileged. 6 figure income between my parents, I received most of what I worked for and I always crossed the line. Always. It wasn't until high school I REALLY started having issues with my parents. It began the mentality of overwhelming freedom and the want, rather the need, to grow up. For whatever reason my parents were opposites. My mother, always on my side, always granting me freedom while my father was a control freak, for lack of better words. Always wondering where I was, always wanting to know what I was doing, etc. Throughout high school I always did what I was supposed to. I went to class, I did my homework, I studied for tests. Hell, I was even a high school athlete and avid club goer. But by the time I was a sophomore it fell apart. I decided I wanted to skip school for the first time in my life and then the next week i wanted to skip class 4 times that week. It was a daunting action that caused repercussions from my parents. Being as stubborn as I was I kept doing it. I kept skipping, I kept smoking pot-I just kept doing my thing, disregard for others. Tedious I tell you. Tedious. This kept up until my senior year when I just really wanted to let go and keep going on my unsuccessful track. However by this time I had changed. I had experienced let down, heartbreak. I had seen "lifelong" friends just.. fade away. I had seen boyfriends just leave because they had found something better. I became cold. I became a working animal. I became colder when I had done the same things that boys had done to me before. I became colder when I got so drunk at a new years party just to numb the pain. I became colder when my rejection letter from USC was dropped at my doorstep just in the beginning of March. I became cold. Sharp edges that would not only cut but annihilate the people around me. I was cut throat. I was reckless.

Writing this now, I'm in a different place. Sort of. Still cold. Still hard to get to. However, I have changed. I am no longer a pessimist. I am a realist. I no longer take friends for granted. I no longer love fully. I am broken. I am sad.

That's actually it, I'm sad. I'm a walking train wreck, crashing into everyone and everything around me. I'm still reckless and I'm actually okay with it. I'm becoming a different person.

I moved out to Colorado in July. California to Colorado. Go figure. I'm actually annoyed about that. I didn't want to go out to Colorado. I wanted to stay in California, go to USC. Major in Journalism and become a crazed working monster in the Entertainment industry. I had a plan and it was crushed. Smashed in front of my eyes. I've been having troubles letting that go - I've been having troubles leaving home. I've just been having a hard time. Alas, I've been keeping it to myself. I've been my own therapist.

I need help.

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