Jeorge: Fifteen Minutes Of Fiction

Twenty-Three

At Christmas time I always dream as I slumber
Of a special, delightful and wonderful number;
That number so sweet, it is just twenty-three,
And you'll probably ask why it's special to me.
I think of this number whenever I sing
Of the twelve days of Christmas, and all that they bring.
Amidst all of the maids and the drummers and rings,
There are twenty-three special and wonderful things.
I just hope that your true love is quite pathological
In her fondness for all presents ornithological.

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For The Birds

Does it bother anyone else how utterly disrespectful humans are toward birds? If you don't like something, you say it's for the birds. If you don't like someone, you might say they're a turkey. And if you think they're stupid, you either say they're a bird-brain, or they're a dodo. And let's not forget, when someone is particularly crazy in their behavior, we say that they're cuckoo!

Gossip? A little bird told me.

Getting a job done efficiently? Killing two birds with one stone.

A picky eater? They eat like a bird. Though I must admit, I'd like to see a picky eater chowing down on earthworms!

Someone who lives in anticipation of the misfortune of others? A vulture.

And I'd just like to say, the next time I'm driving down the road and someone cuts me off and then flips the bird, I think I'm going to have a cow.

No offense to all you bovines out there.

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Me

Silly and foolish, a dodo bird lad -
Feathered yet flightless, pathetically sad,
Frightened of lightning, and frightened of you;
You might cook a batch of sweet dodo bird stew!

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Wiffity Woffity (A Double Dactyl)

Wiffity Woffity,
Jeffery the timberwolf
Has a great hunger for
Dodo bird stew.

Fly away, flee to the
Mediterranean,
Hide on its shores where he'll
Never find you!

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Exclamations

There I was, minding my own business, when a tiny voice said, "Excuse me, Jeorge, do you have the time?"

"Jiminy Cricket!" I exclaimed (because that's what I often exclaim when I'm surprised).

"Excuse me," the voice said, "Please don't insult me like that; I'm not a cricket. I'm a cockroach!"

"Eek!" I exclaimed (because that's what I often exclaim when I'm frightened, and cockroaches definitely frighten me).

"Would you do me a tiny favor and not exclaim so loudly, please?" the cockroach said. "You're hurting my ears."

"Sorry," I said (without exclaiming at all - I just can't bring myself to be afraid of anyone who is so polite as that).

Besides, it's tough to exclaim with any sort of dramatic emphasis when your throat has that odd tickling sensation you get from scarfing down a cockroach.

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Midnight Storm

I lie awake at night, listening to the sound of rain striking the tin roof with a machine gun's rat-a-tat. The wind howls like a wounded dog that's begging for mercy - or perhaps for the painless release of death. Occasionally thunder - like a hundred bowling balls simultaneously knocking over a thousand pins to score perfect strikes across the board - rattles the window panes of my bedroom.

I'm not afraid of storms. Really, I'm not. It's just, I can't help but wondering...Maybe that's not really a storm! Maybe it's really the bogeyman doing sound effects!

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Lovely Songbirds

Hark! The wondrous springtime sounds
Of birds returned from Southern rounds!
Hear finches with the sweetest song
That carries all our hearts along,
With whistling tunes and bright refrain,
That with their joy our hearts sustain.
Now songbirds have such lovely voice,
Which gives us reason to rejoice.
Yet I am jealous of these birds
That make the sweetest sound you've heard,
For even when I simply talk,
My voice is just a horrid squawk!

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Watch What You Eat

To Whom It May Concern,

Last week I went out to eat at your restaurant. I was looking forward to it all week, because everyone has told me how great your burgers are fries are.

"Nobody makes a bacon double cheeseburger like Moody's Diner." That's what Doug said.

And he was right! It was the yummiest, tastiest burger I've ever had. WOW! I can still taste it a week later!

So why am I writing this letter? Because I was appalled to see what one of the other customers was doing. Do you know? Have you heard? You better sit down for this. I don't want to gross you out, but you really need to know what was happening in your restaurant.

Okay, I'm just going to say it...

He was eating a chicken sandwich! Ewww! That could have been my cousin, you disgusting sicko people! Double Ewww!

Sincerely,
Jeorge The Dodo Bird

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You Shall Not Pass

I feel a bit like Gandalf in The Lord Of The Rings. Standing firmly against all the forces of evil, and defiantly declaring, "You. Shall. Not. Pass!"

Not that I think you're evil. Far from it. Actually, I rather like you (though you do make a mess, and sometimes you make pretty bad smells, too - no offense). I think I'd be lonely without you. But still, you shall not pass.

What's that? Yes, I know that old saying: "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with." I think it's a dumb saying. You know why? Because it ends with a preposition. That's just bad. Prepositions are the worst things to end a sentence with.

And so I say again: You shall not pass.

After all, it's just the nature of things. You're a bird, and I'm a birdcage.

Get used to it, and start whistling dixie again.

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Cruel and Cowardly Calico Cats

Cowardly, cowering, yet cruel calico cats creep and crawl across parquet and cleverly climb cloth covered cages, while courageous, capricious canaries, cloistered, confident and content in confinement, quietly croon choral canticles and consume colossal quantities of cookies and cream completely covered in crystallized caramel.

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