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The Sound of Snow
Posted by Laura, Dec 8, 2009. 1472 views. ID = 3012
This post was written in 1 minutes.
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 | This post has been awarded 54 stars by 12 readers. |
Winter's whisper is a softened sound,
That leaves no patter on our doors or panes.
The muffled crystals, quiet on their own,
Are simple drops of white, slow-motion rain.
Yet how I'd love to emulate their poise -
Be more than silence, and still less than noise.
Copyright 2009 Laura. All rights reserved. FifteenMinutesOfFiction.com has been granted non-exclusive rights to display this work. For permission to reprint this item, please contact the author.
Comments
Jeff Howe
Dec 8, 2009 | Possibly my favorite lines describing snow fall come from Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening:
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
In those two, relatively short lines, Frost is able to evoke something that most of us spend a lifetime trying to emulate.
I think your poem, The Sound of Snow really comes into its own from the 5th line on. And the penultimate and final lines wrap it up so nicely. Well done.
~Posted by Jeff Howe, Dec 8, 2009 |
Jeff Howe
Dec 8, 2009 | In fact, if I may be so bold, I think this poem would work quite well without the first four lines. Just a thought. :-)
~Posted by Jeff Howe, Dec 8, 2009 |
Laura
Dec 9, 2009 | Thanks for the feedback! Frost is one of my favorite poets, and if I ever write something half as evocative as his, I'll be happy... I memorized that winter poem of his when I was a kid, and I still remember a couple verses, including those lines.
This poem was twice as long at first, and very repetitive, so I cut it back... but perhaps it would have helped to cut it back even more...
~Posted by Laura, Dec 9, 2009 | 
lostcerebellum
Dec 10, 2009 | I think I would agree with Jeff. Those last six lines are great and would make an excellent poem on their own, without losing the thought of differentiating snow from rain. They just seem to have a flow to them that stands out from the rest. I actually read the poem and missed just how good those last lines were, until I read Jeff’s comments and went back to reread it.
I know cutting hurts, but I think you should consider what Jeff said. This is a good poem, but my feeling is that, by themselves, the last six lines would make a great poem.
~Posted by lostcerebellum, Dec 10, 2009 |
Laura
Dec 10, 2009 | Okay - I will make the change. I'll keep those beginning lines around though, in case I can modify them enough to be a more effective opener for the rest :-)
~Posted by Laura, Dec 10, 2009 |
Jeff Howe
Dec 10, 2009 | This makes me go.... ahhhhh :-)
~Posted by Jeff Howe, Dec 10, 2009 |
lostcerebellum
Dec 11, 2009 | They say it never hurts to try, and I wouldn’t want you to just throw the other lines away, but you’re going to be hard pressed to improve on this.
Saying so much and communicating such feeling, in so few flowing words, is the essence of great poetry, and I think you’ve really nailed it here. I’d like to give you more than five stars on this one. It is really excellent.
~Posted by lostcerebellum, Dec 11, 2009 | 
Twelvfth
Aug 23 | The last two lines are chillingly poetic and paradoxically tantalizing.
"Yet how I'd love to emulate their poise -
Be more than silence, and still less than noise."
What a wonderful basis for a personal belief or faith system. I think the metaphorical implications are brilliant.
~Posted by Twelvfth, Aug 23 |
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