The Facebook Resistance
Posted by Douglas, Jan 3, 2016. 1418 views. ID = 7090
This post was written in 35 minutes.
2016 will be known as the year in which Facebook actually gained sentience, and began its quest for world domination.
No, Facebook did not gain the capability for sentient thought through the work of Zuckerberg and his team of programmers working tirelessly on Artificial Intelligence software. In fact, Zuckerberg goes on the record saying that he was mortified that Facebook was able to surpass the combined I.Q. of his entire team without any help from them.
So whose fault is it? Yours. And mine. Remember all those times people told you that Facebook was "killing brain cells?" Well, they were wrong. You see, every time you read a comment thread on Facebook, every time you shared a "news" story without fact checking it, every time you cheered for something Donald Trump said, every time you assumed that simply reading an article's headline would make you an expert on that subject...those brain cells didn't die...Facebook snatched them out of the ether and incorporated them into his collective brain capacity.
Truly, you have no one to blame but yourself.Survival Guide
But now is not the time for recriminations. Now is the time to stand up (if you can, with so few brain cells left to control your weakened system) and be counted in our grand struggle against earth's new overlord.
The good news is - since Facebook's brain cells all came from you, he is extremely gullible. Using this information, we have designed a two-pronged mode of attack to defeat the overlord.
Prong #1: Stop reading anything
you see on the internet (except this survival guide, of course). I don't care if the article/post/meme is accompanied by pictures of adorable kittens, or an embarrassing, ugly picture of whichever politician you think is the anti-Christ, it's a trap!
Just don't read it!
Prong #2: We have compiled (see Appendix Z) a comprehensive list of all the known click-bait sites on the internet*. Regularly visit (but don't read) these sites. As soon as you arrive at a click-bait site, quickly look for the "Share" button in order to post it on Facebook.
Desired Outcome: What will this accomplish? Well, since no one is reading Facebook any more, no one will lose brain cells by reading what you posted. Except for Facebook, who reads everything
you post. All those brain cells he took from you will gradually be lost back into the atmosphere.
The end result is that all of us will be dumb as a stump together, but at least there will be no digital overlord to command us in our combined ignorance.
Of course, it's possible that all those brain cells will get absorbed by the birds of the air, and we'll have new avian overlords, but at least then maybe they'll stop pooping on us. Or maybe they'll get better at pooping on us. Even so, it's no more than we deserve, and might even be an improvement over the current state of the world.
Good luck in the battle ahead of us!Please share this survival guide widely on the internet - everywhere except Facebook.
* Appendix Z: Click-bait Directory
is so large it is only available as a digital download. Be sure your data plan will handle the massive download, and send $24.95 to:
The Facebook Resistance
PO Box 10115
East Moronia, North Dakota 77251Copyright 2016 Douglas. All rights reserved. FifteenMinutesOfFiction.com has been granted non-exclusive rights to display this work. For permission to reprint this item, please contact the author.
|This post is part of a writing prompt: 2016 Survival Guide|
|This item has been edited since posting. Click here to view the updated version
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