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"Mozilla" - The Protective Parent's "Dream Come True": An amusing look at my computer's antiquated Web Browser (complete with numerous asides) that's, unfortunately, absolutely true.
Posted by CdnGhost, Apr 23, 2014. 787 views. ID = 6634

"Mozilla" - The Protective Parent's "Dream Come True"

Posted by CdnGhost, Apr 23, 2014. 787 views. ID = 6634
This post was written in 1 minutes.
An amusing look at my computer's antiquated Web Browser (complete with numerous asides) that's, unfortunately, absolutely true.
This post has been awarded 3 stars by 1 reader.

Though the last update for the Mozilla Web Browser was issued late in 2003, nevertheless, for the Protective Parent, Mozilla offers far more Parental Controls than Bill Gates ever dreamed of.

Parental Control Measure #1:
It's possible to go back through "Browsing History" and *block* every Server where the Child has been. When the Parent is done, a simple click of "Clear History Locations" erases from the Root Memory: where the Parent has been, what the Parent has done...but leaves every Server blocked.

Done deal, right?


Wrong!

I've yet to meet a Child that's as stupid as his Parents would like to believe he is. From Autistic to Gifted: no Child is Stupid.

All Children are born with 48-Hour Eidetic Memories (some keep it for the rest of their lives, but most lose it before the age of three). The Child knows where he's been on the 'Net and has memorized the URL for each website. The page comes up and what does the Child see?

A Cow eating grass, in the middle of a blizzard, at midnight, no less.

Is it time to throw a tantrum?

No.


Right-Click the Mouse. At the top of the Drop-Down Menu, is the following: "Unblock Images from this Server".

(Score: "Child" 1 ~ "Parent" 0)

Parental Control Measure #2:
It's possible to hide the entire Navigation Toolbar.

Step 1: Click "Edit". At the bottom of the Drop-Down Menu the Parent selects "Preferences". At the top of the Drop-Up Menu, the Parent selects the file named "Navigation" and opens it. At the top of "Navigation" the Parent finds "Appearance", and clicks it. At the bottom of "Appearance", the Parent unchicks every box and clicks "OK".

(If this is beginning to sound like a "Shaggy Dog Story", one must remember that attention to "Tops" and "Bottoms" is what caused the Child to be born, in the first place.)

Step 2: Click "File". From the Drop-Down Menu, the Parent selects: "Hide Toolbar" and clicks "OK".
Everything instantly vanishes. "Back", "Forward", "Refresh", "Search Bar"; you name it!...it's History!...with the exception of a thin Blank Bar, at the top of the page.

There's a much shorter method of accomplishing all of this that, probably, only the Child knows how to do.

Click the lower left-hand corner of the Toolbar.

To cause the Toolbar to reappear, click the lower left-hand corner of the thin Blank Bar.

(Score: "Child" 2 ~ "Parent" 0)

Parental Control Measure #3:
It's a known fact that Children are born with a Reaction Time that's rivaled only by the Speed of Light. The fastest Reaction Time, ever recorded, was 12 milliseconds (set by an 8-year old Child). In other words, it took the Child 0.012 seconds to push a button when the light, that the Child had been staring at, changed from "Green" to "Red". But, the Child only pushed the button once. Pushing the button twice, takes longer.

Presuming that the Parent is somewhere between 25 and 30 years of age, a Reaction Time of 25 milliseconds is reasonable. However, in order to open anything usually requires a Double-Click of the Left Mouse Button (presuming the Parent is Right-Handed; if the Parent is Left-Handed, a Double-Click of the Right Mouse Button is required). Further, the second click of the Mouse Button, doesn't require the Parent's Reaction Time. To accomplish the second click requires that the Parent knows in advance that two clicks are required. The Brain takes over...just as it does if the Parent happens to touch something that's too hot or sharp.

Therefore, it's possible for the Parent to Double-Click in less than 50 milliseconds.

Knowing that the Child can accomplish the same feat, in less than half of the Parent's time, the Parent enters "Control Panel", selects "Devices", selects "Mouse" and sets the Double-Click Time at 20 milliseconds.

As fast as the Child is, no Child can Double-Click in less than 20 milliseconds.

Has the Parent won?

No.

Children aren't Stupid. Even the very rare Child that's born Stupid, isn't *that* Stupid.

After one failed attempt, the Child enters the Control Panel and resets the Double-Click Time to 30 milliseconds.

The Child can now go anywhere and the Parent can't.

(Score: "Child" 3 ~ "Parent" 0)

Parental Control Measure #4:
This measure is the "Court of Last Resort" which caused Yours Truly to lose more than a little, and less than too much, of my hair because I did it accidentally.

It's possible to create a button which causes the computer to go Permanently Offline...until it's Uncreated.

Step 1: Click "File". At the bottom of the Drop-Down Menu is "Quit". Leave "Quit" alone.

Step 2: Above "Quit" are the words, "Work Offline", but no button.

Step 3: Click "Work Offline". Instantly, a "Checked Button" appears!

No amount of: Rebooting, Shutting Down, Resetting the Modem, etcetera (that's how it's actually spelt) will cause that button to vanish. Reinstalling the Operating System would definitely cause the button to vanish, but there's an easier way.

(No matter what you're attempting to accomplish in life, there's *always* an easier way!)

Click "File".

Click "Work Offline".

The Created Button vanishes!

As inquisitive as Children are, the mere thought of "Working Offline" is absolutely repulsive!

Ergo, "Work Offline" is ignored.

(Final Score: "Child" 3 ~ "Parent" 10)


Author's Note:
I'm somewhat amazed that my soon-to-be Mother-in-Law hasn't discovered the advantages of the Mozilla Web Browser. She's still trying to protect her post-menopausal daughter (who resides 1,000 miles away) from the world. It's my hope that an International Border will finally cut the cord. It's long overdue.

Copyright 2014 CdnGhost. All rights reserved. FifteenMinutesOfFiction.com has been granted non-exclusive rights to display this work. For permission to reprint this item, please contact the author.
 


   
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