I Never Meant To Hurt You
Discussion related to the topic I Never Meant To Hurt You
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I NEVER MEANT TO HURT YOU
I never meant to hurt you, I swear. I know you don't believe me now, but it's the absolute truth. I hope someday you'll believe me, even though you won't even talk to me now.
That's why I'm writing this letter, because even though you refuse to see me, I hope that perhaps some quiet evening when you have nothing better to do, you might open this letter and read the truth about what happened. And then, maybe, someday you'll find it in your heart to forgive me.
The whole thing started out so simply and innocently, with a grasshopper, a roll of duct tape, and broken down old lawnmower. And from there things just spiraled out of control.
And you know how it all ended up. But let me tell you how it started...
[just to make this interesting...we have three items (grasshopper, duct tape, lawnmower) let's make sure that no one writer introduces more than one of these items into the story!]
~Edited by Douglas, Feb 28, 2008 at 11:20 AM
The grasshopper's name was Jiminy. No, not the famous cricket; there is a difference between a grasshopper and a cricket you know (though don't ask me what it is). But, now that I think about it, though Jiminy wasn't a cricket, he did play cricket, which is at least a step in the right direction.
Anyway, I found Jiminy by the side of the road one afternoon, and he was squashed flatter than a bug. Well, actually, I guess he was a bug, so he couldn't be flatter than a bug, could he?
I thought he was dead, and was about to pin him to my bug collection (between the monarch butterfly and the black widow spider) when he suddenly started screaming at me, at the top of his lungs.
Considering he was a bug (and a flat one at that) and his lungs were considerably smaller (and flatter) than a human's, his scream turned out to be more like a whisper than anything else.
What was he saying? That is a good question. He was saying: "shwck! sshwcckk! sckreetch!", which seems to be utter nonsense, but the good news is, when I was a graduate student at North Gooseneck University, I took several classes in the language of grasshoppers, so I understood exactly what he was saying.
And I'll tell you what he was saying in just a moment, but first I need to explain about the duct tape, otherwise it won't make a bit of sense to you.
~Edited by Michael K, Feb 27, 2008 at 7:26 AM
WRITING (I claim this scene, but I might not get to it until later in the day...is that okay?)
The duct tape belonged to my oldest daughter Shelley, who bought it last week to help keep Freddie quiet. When my wife found him locked in the broom closet with his mouth taped shut she screamed at Shelley until she was red in the face, and I had to take the roll of duct tape away.
(Even though I thought the whole thing was pretty funny...)
Then that morning (oh, that terrible morning!) I noticed that the fire hydrant out front of our house was dripping all over the sidewalk, and I thought maybe I could stop it up with a little tape.
All of which just goes to explain why I even had a roll of duct tape with me that morning.
As for Jiminy (not the cricket), what he hollered out was: "You stupid ugly human, I'm still alive! Don't you dare stick a pin through me! If you really need to attach me to that ugly piece of cardboard, use some of that duct tape for heaven's sake!"
That's what he meant when he said "shwck!"
And when he said "sshwcckk!", he was saying "But please, for goodness sake, don't stick me next to the spider! I have this awful phobia about spiders because when I was just a little hopper, I had nightmares about spiders sneaking into my house wrapping me up in a web until I couldn't even breathe, and then I died. Except, not for real, I just died in my dream."
And when he said, "sckreetch!", well, I can't really tell you what that meant, because then this story wouldn't be rated "E" for "everyone" any more!
So, listening to Jiminy's advice, I used some of Shelley's duct tape to carefully affix him to my cardboard - between the monarch butterfly and the plume moth. And I was very careful not to cover his mouth, so he could still breathe.
Now that I've told you this much of the story, I'm sure it's suddenly becoming clear to you that I wasn't entirely to blame for Bobby's broken leg. But I'll get to that in a minute.
So, as I was going over to fix the fire hydrant, and talking to Jiminy (not the cricket) Bobby saw me with the duct tape. Bobby was trying to fix his old riding lawn mower. He hollered over at me to bring the duct tape to him, so he could use it. I politely replied that I was going to fix the hydrant.
He got angry and ran at me. Then (somehow) Jiminy (not the cricket) jumped off the piece of duct tape and down the back of Bobby's shirt. Bobby started running around in all directions trying to get the thing on his back off. In the course of doing so, he must have weakened the roof of the badgers den,and it collapsed.
His leg to stuck, and, as he had been running at a high rate of speed, his leg broke when it fell in the hole and his body kept trying to move forward.
All the while, Jiminy (not the cricket) must have been chewing on his back. I've never heard of a grasshopper chewing on a person though.
So I pulled Bobby out of the hole, and extracted Jiminy (not the cricket) from the back of his shirt. I put Jiminy (not the cricket) back on the piece of duct tape and pulled Bobby over to his lawn mower, and tried to drive him to the hospital on it. It didn't start.
So there I was, with an unconscious person, an angry grasshopper, a roll of duct tape, and a broken down lawn mower.
~Edited by Josiah T., Feb 29, 2008 at 7:47 AM
After several minutes I realized that this simply was not going to work; no matter how many times I turned the key, that lawnmower was going nowhere! So how was I to get Bobby to the hospital?
Fortunately, I'm a pretty smart fellow (you probably noticed that by now!) so I realized there was another way to do this; I have a truck!
So I backed the truck down to the sidewalk next to where Bobby lay unconscious. I knew, however, that I wasn't strong enough to do this on my own, so I got my son Freddie (who was not in the closet, and not duct-taped) to come out and help me. Together we tugged and heaved and pushed and pulled and eventually got that lawnmower loaded into the back of the truck.
Once I got it to the mechanic, and got it fixed, I'd be able to use it to drive Bobby to the hospital!
~Edited by Rabbit Stu, Feb 29, 2008 at 2:58 PM
Kenzie Fell Down
Of course, who knew that the lawnmower repair shop wasn’t open on Saturday? So now I was thinking, ’How am ever going to get Bobby to the hospital?’ when, from the duct tape, Jiminy (not the cricket) called, or rather whispered, out what can be translated as, ‘Just take the bus, you numbskull!’
Feeling somewhat insulted, and maybe a little mad I didn’t think of this myself, I flicked one of Jiminy’s antennae and grabbed my bus pass, which expired last May. I don’t know why, but they’re still letting me use it.And, after finally managing to finagle that lawnmower onto the bus, I thought I would at least have some peace ‘til we got to the hospital, but no such luck. As soon as we pulled away from the bus stop, Bobby woke up and started hollering. Attempting to calm him only got me insulted (again), and after he got on a rant about wanting a sandwich from Subway, and how dangerous, manic crickets (I made the point that he was a grasshopper, but Bobby didn’t care) should be kicked out of America, I got kinda bored with it all.
So I duct taped his mouth shut and took a nap.
~Edited by Kenzie Fell Down, Feb 29, 2008 at 6:50 PM
The bus driver shook me awake. He said that it was the end of the run and my friend and I had to get off. So, I quickly pushed the lawnmower off the bus and tried to figure out where I was. I guess I was asleep for quite a while ’cause I was downtown, but luck was on my side because the hospital was only a block down the hill. So I put the lawn mower in neutral, jump on and let it start coasting down the hill.
Jiminy (not the cricket, mind you), some how again freed himself from the duct tape and started screaming at me while jumping on the break. so I just stepped on him and pressed the break which slowed us down enough to stop right in front of the hospital. must be the sound of the breaks screeching alerted those with in cause once we got stopped the nurses came out with a gurney and scooped up Bobby and left me the lawnmower and the once again flat Jiminy (not the cricket)
So I leave the lawn mower at the hospital. After all it is Bobby's lawn mower. I leave the flat Jimmy (not the cricket) on the walkway, call a taxi and go home. Once I get home I (finally) go out and fix the hydrant. Well I am putting the duct tape on the hydrant I see Bobby's house starting to smoke I run inside and call 911. They get there and are trying to get the hydrant apart but the duct tape is holding firm.
Of course, duct tape can't hold together forever. No sooner do I turn away from the window than an almighty Explosion sounds outside. I rush to the door just in time to see the firemen scattered right and left all over the yard, a geyser of water spraying up into the air. At least the fire is out.
~Edited by Boy, Oct 26, 2009 at 11:36 PM
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