ADVICE: job at mcdonalds

Discussion related to the topic ADVICE: job at mcdonalds

Forum : 2007 - 2008 Anthology : ADVICE: job at mcdonalds

fluffyfoo
Posted at: Mar 11, 2008 at 3:57 AM 
Im not good with commas and that stuff. can someone help me make this better?

Its my story about working at mcdonealds I dont know how to make a link but you can fidn it on my page.

Douglas
Posted at: Mar 11, 2008 at 4:12 AM 
It Was a Job at McDonald's for Pete's Sake!

I don't have time to help you with it right now, but maybe someone else with help you work through it. I'll check back later.

Josiah T.
Posted at: Mar 11, 2008 at 4:59 AM 
Ok... Let's see if my flawed advice is any good...

And who cares if they get fired from flipping burgers.

There should be a question mark at the end of this instead of a period...

I drove around town for two hours and got home just when I would of if I'd been working all afternoon.

This should read I drove around town for two hours, and got home just when I would have if I'd been working all afternoon.

But I didn't smell like burger grease so mom knew I hadn't been to work.

I think this should read But I didn't smell like burger grease, so mom knew I hadn't been to work.

She smiled and said there will be other jobs and do you want some apple pie with icecream?

This should read She smiled and said, "There will be other jobs. Do you want some apple pie with ice cream?"

So, there's my flawed suggestions. I'm a pretty lousy editor, so you can take it or leave it. Good luck! :-)
~Edited by Josiah T., Mar 11, 2008 at 5:05 AM

WOW
Posted at: Mar 11, 2008 at 5:47 AM 
Nice job, Josiah! You saved me the typing.

I also think it should either say, "hadn't been at work" or "hadn't gone to work."

I hope you don't let someone steal this Mom! :)

Douglas
Posted at: Mar 11, 2008 at 8:52 AM 
Looks like you got some good advice there. If you make those changes, and then post another message here, I'll take a second look at it for you.

Josiah T.
Posted at: Mar 11, 2008 at 9:11 AM 
Quote
Nice job, Josiah! You saved me the typing.

haha, your welcome! :-)
~Edited by Josiah T., Mar 11, 2008 at 10:51 AM

fluffyfoo
Posted at: Mar 11, 2008 at 11:24 AM 
Okay how aboutnow?

Josiah T.
Posted at: Mar 11, 2008 at 12:08 PM 
Much better... I did notice, however, icecream should be "ice cream," two words, not one. Other than that, (by my flawed editing skills :-P ) pretty good! :-)

Douglas
Posted at: Mar 11, 2008 at 12:56 PM 
Here are a few more.

Whenever you have McDonald's, be sure to put an apostrophe before the s.

Capitalize Pete, and put an apostrophe before the s. I'd put an exclamation mark too (and maybe in your title as well)

I would make "cares" italicized for emphasis, but you don't have to if you don't want to.

In this line: Nobody likes to smell like burger grease at the end of the day anyway and when you go out on a date the girls don't say to you "you smell so nice."

Put a comma after anyway, and consider changing "and" to "because"

Mum or mom, but not both! :)

But mum and dad will get real[LY] mad[COMMA] I know.

I notice you left the "and" in the second to last sentence. I think it's an interesting way to word it, but it should be punctuated like this:

She smiled and said, "There will be other jobs," and "Do you want some apple pie with ice cream?"

fluffyfoo
Posted at: Mar 12, 2008 at 4:14 AM 
I dont remember howto od italzice

fluffyfoo
Posted at: Mar 12, 2008 at 4:15 AM 
but i idd the other things

fluffyfoo
Posted at: Mar 12, 2008 at 4:15 AM 
sry i cant type in the morning jk

Josiah T.
Posted at: Mar 12, 2008 at 4:23 AM 
Italicize... < i >[text] < / i >

Just take out the spaces. I put the spaces in so that it wouldn't italicize it and you could see the code. :-)

Douglas
Posted at: Mar 12, 2008 at 4:39 AM 
Let's see if I can do this right...

<i>cares</i>

fluffyfoo
Posted at: Mar 12, 2008 at 10:42 AM 
thx anything else?

Josiah T.
Posted at: Mar 12, 2008 at 10:54 AM 
Bold and underline is the same thing, just substitute b and u for the corresponding formats. :-P

Sylvan Sylph
Posted at: Mar 13, 2008 at 11:02 PM 
Some things I've noticed after all the other changes have been made.

"I drove around town for two hours, and got home just when I would have if I'd been working all afternoon."

and

"I told her I was fired from McDonald's, and waited for her to yell at me."

I can't see a reason for the commas in either of these sentences. In both of them both the verbs are referring back to the same subject. Commas would only be used with conjunctions if you had two separate sentences being joined or were writing a list of actions that consisted of three or more things.

Also the sentence,

"Nobody likes to smell like burger grease at the end of the day anyway, because when you go out on a date the girls don't say to you 'you smell so nice.'"

should have a comma between you and "you smell so nice." The second you should also be capitalized. It should read -- don't say to you, "You smell so nice."

That's all I've got. :)

fluffyfoo
Posted at: Mar 14, 2008 at 8:00 PM 
thnak you!
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