Advice: Now That I've Found You

Discussion related to the topic Advice: Now That I've Found You

Forum : 2007 - 2008 Anthology : Advice: Now That I've Found You

Hannah
Posted at: Mar 2, 2008 at 11:27 AM 
I just wanted to know if anyone thinks I should edit this in any way. :) Now That I've Found You

Douglas
Posted at: Mar 2, 2008 at 11:37 AM 
I did a quick read through, and this stanza here caught my eye:

Now you're here
I am free
Free to love
Free to feel
I had cut off
Every emotion
Every touch

I wondered if it would be better with the order reversed, so we weren't jumping from present to past (it seems more climactic to say "I once was..., but now I'm...", instead of "Now I'm...., but once I was...") In other words, something like this:

I had cut off
Every emotion
Every touch
Now you're here
I am free
Free to love
Free to feel

Hannah
Posted at: Mar 2, 2008 at 11:40 AM 
Yeah, I like that...Okay, is this good? Now That I've Found You

Hannah
Posted at: Mar 2, 2008 at 10:40 PM 
Anyone else?

Josiah T.
Posted at: Mar 3, 2008 at 4:58 AM 
Well, I'd say something, but I'm no good at analyzing poetry. :-P That said, looks pretty good to me! :-)

Hannah
Posted at: Mar 3, 2008 at 9:06 AM 
Thanks.

Lynnde
Posted at: Mar 4, 2008 at 5:30 AM 
Personally, I would like it better if it had fewer line breaks, or if it was just written as a paragraph. It seems a bit choppy to me. But that is just my opinion.

Douglas
Posted at: Mar 4, 2008 at 6:09 AM 
Hmm...I hadn't thought about what Lynnde said, but now that she's mentioned it, though the short lines don't bother me, a poem with such short lines would be problematic for print publication, because it would take up an entire page (or two) and yet have hardly anything on it. So, if you're hoping to have that one printed, you ought to carefully consider Lynnde's advice. :)

Hannah
Posted at: Mar 4, 2008 at 10:16 AM 
Okay, is that better? I had been thinking it was choppy too. I think it's better. :)

Douglas
Posted at: Mar 4, 2008 at 10:31 AM 
I really like that a lot better. Do you think "You'll leave" should start a new paragraph? To me it seemed like such a total change from what came before that it really should start its own paragraph.

Hannah
Posted at: Mar 4, 2008 at 10:44 AM 
Okay, how about that? :)
Forum : 2007 - 2008 Anthology : Advice: Now That I've Found You

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