ADVICE: A Bit Of A Love Story

Discussion related to the topic ADVICE: A Bit Of A Love Story

Forum : 2007 - 2008 Anthology : ADVICE: A Bit Of A Love Story

Josiah T.
Posted at: Feb 29, 2008 at 10:08 PM 
Alright, here's a response to a poem I wrote last week, in which I threw my computer out the door. I'd like some help revising it (If people don't mind :-P) so here it is...

I gaze into your face, and your radiance reflects back on mine. My fingers gently tap on you, your speed and versatility amaze me.

Oh that we could be together always! We are the perfect match. Let me come with you, you can take me places that I have never been before.

Oh my computer, I'm sorry I threw you out the door last week! Don't let my momentary fit of anger deceive you, even the best computer technician loses his temper occasionally!


I tried to be subtle, (something I'm not very good at,) and at first I had "caress" instead of "tap on" in the first paragraph. But that didn't seem to fit very well. Any suggestions?
~Edited by Douglas, Mar 1, 2008 at 7:49 AM

Douglas
Posted at: Mar 1, 2008 at 3:49 AM 
I think "touch" would work well - it's generic enough to be used in either context.

Also, I wondered about you wanting to go with the computer - would it be better for you to invite the computer to go with you? "Come with me, and I will take you places..."

Douglas
Posted at: Mar 1, 2008 at 4:12 AM 
By the way, for these very short pieces, it's okay to post the entire piece here in a thread, but in general, you should link to the actual page...

A bit of a love story

That way, rather than making edits here you can make them on your writing page, and people will be able to look at it as it actually appears on the site after a round of edits.

Josiah T.
Posted at: Mar 1, 2008 at 7:13 AM 
Quote

Also, I wondered about you wanting to go with the computer - would it be better for you to invite the computer to go with you? "Come with me, and I will take you places..."

The Internet. *laughs* Yeah, I thought about that for a while too, and finally decided on that. :-)

Michael K
Posted at: Mar 1, 2008 at 7:21 AM 
Quote
Oh my computer, I'm sorry I threw you out the door last week! Don't let my momentary fit of anger deceive you, even the best computer technician loses his temper occasionally

Here's a thought for you...you can leave out "Oh my computer", and never explicitly state that it's a computer you're talking to. Why? Because you end by saying you're a computer technician, so people can infer it. This way, the surprise ending comes almost at the very ending, and since you don't spoon feed it to the reader, it's even more satisfying.

If you do that, though, at the beginning of that last paragraph, the reader still thinks you're talking to a human, so you might want to leave out "the door", and maybe change it to "I kicked you out", since that sounds more like something you would say to a human.

Josiah T.
Posted at: Mar 1, 2008 at 7:51 AM 
haha, thanks. I'm not very good with surprise endings. :-P

Josiah T.
Posted at: Mar 1, 2008 at 7:57 AM 
ok... how's this...

A bit of a love story

Douglas
Posted at: Mar 1, 2008 at 7:58 AM 
or, as an alternative to Michael's suggestion, you could also not even mention that you're a computer tech, either.

Then the last paragraph could go something like this:

I'm sorry I threw you out the door last week! Don't let my momentary fit of anger deceive you; you know how easily I lose my temper when you have a hard drive failure!

(Not that you should use hard drive failure - that was just the first thing that popped into my head)

Janee
Posted at: Mar 1, 2008 at 8:20 AM 
I like it as it is, but I think you could expand it and make it longer. :)

Josiah T.
Posted at: Mar 1, 2008 at 8:33 AM 
lol, thanks. :-)

I was trying to make it longer, but I couldn't think of anything else to say! *embarrassed look*

Douglas
Posted at: Mar 2, 2008 at 11:41 AM 
So do you want some ideas to expand it? Because we could probably brainstorm some ideas to help you build more into it.

Josiah T.
Posted at: Mar 2, 2008 at 12:09 PM 
lol, sure. :-)

Douglas
Posted at: Mar 2, 2008 at 12:33 PM 
Okay...random dump of ideas, which may or may not be of any value at all

She's mousy (groan!)
She networks well with others
She's smart
She processes things fast
She has an amazing memory
She fits in the overhead compartment on a plane...no wait, that doesn't really help. :)

On the downside...

She's emotionally unavailable



Josiah T.
Posted at: Mar 2, 2008 at 2:53 PM 
LOL!!! Mine doesn't. Mines a desktop. :-)

Douglas
Posted at: Mar 10, 2008 at 7:33 AM 
I'm sorry I threw you out last week! Don't let my momentary fit of anger deceive you, even I lose my temper when your motherboard dies!

To me this sounds a bit awkward (I think it's the "even I lose" part that sounds odd to me). Maybe that means Michael K's suggestion was better than mine.

Or, maybe something like this: how could I help but lose my temper when your motherboard died?

That has the added advantage of putting it in the past tense.

Ah! Yes! That's why it felt awkward - you switched it to present tense halfway through the paragraph!

How was that for stream of consciousness commentary? ;)

Oh, and I think that no matter how you do that, the comma in the last line needs to be a semicolon.

Douglas
Posted at: Mar 10, 2008 at 7:35 AM 
Looking back at my original suggestion I see that I also did a present tense switch, so I can't fault you for that. ;)

By the way, I think at this point I'd keep it at the length it is, rather than trying to expand it.

Josiah T.
Posted at: Mar 10, 2008 at 8:23 AM 
Haha, ok... I've never been very good at keeping writing like that in one tense. Or about placing my semicolons. :-P

Oh, and (haha) I actually did have the mobo on my computer fail a couple months ago...
~Edited by Josiah T., Mar 10, 2008 at 8:24 AM
Forum : 2007 - 2008 Anthology : ADVICE: A Bit Of A Love Story

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