ADVICE: Nosies in the night.

Discussion related to the topic ADVICE: Nosies in the night.

Forum : 2007 - 2008 Anthology : ADVICE: Nosies in the night.
Pages:  1   2 

Mathax
Posted at: Feb 29, 2008 at 12:13 PM 
I was awakened last night by the sound of the piano playing. First it played Beethoven's eighth symphony. Then it played Mozart's fourteenth. Followed by "The drones attack" from Star Trek Insurrection. After that I heard "The Medallion Calls" from Pirates of the Caribbean.

I went downstairs and shut the piano lid. It is not that I do not like the cats playing, but I am trying to sleep up here.




I was wondering if anyone thinks this can be made better.
~Edited by Mathax, Mar 18, 2008 at 10:00 AM

Janee
Posted at: Feb 29, 2008 at 12:21 PM 
woken? awaken? awakened? I'm not sure what the appropriate verb tense is there.

Janee
Posted at: Feb 29, 2008 at 12:23 PM 
Okay, here's another thought: you use "Then" enough times that it seems repetitive by the time you get to the end.

You could vary it up a bit by figuring out ways to avoid using "then" over and over.

Here's one example:

Then it played Mozart's fourteenth, followed by "The drones attack" from Star Trek Insurrection

Douglas
Posted at: Feb 29, 2008 at 12:34 PM 

Mathax
Posted at: Feb 29, 2008 at 12:34 PM 
Is this better?

Douglas
Posted at: Feb 29, 2008 at 12:47 PM 
You fall into the same trap I do...wanting to put connecting words between all my sentences. Formal grammarians say NEVER start a sentence with "And", "But", or words like that. When used sparingly, however, they can be effective.

BUT beware of overuse. :)

The "And" in "And after that" is probably unnecessary, as is "Then" in "Then I went downstairs"

Actually, I think I'd make "I went downstairs" the start of a new paragraph.

Mathax
Posted at: Feb 29, 2008 at 2:01 PM 
I edited it again. :)

Sylvan Sylph
Posted at: Feb 29, 2008 at 6:46 PM 
I like the latest version much better. It feels less choppy without the repetition. I think it's a really fun piece of writing.

Just out of curiosity. Should we post questions like this here or in the the All About Writing section?

Oh, and I think the technically proper verb tense would be "I was awakened" or "I was awoken." Though I've read rumors that woken up is becoming more widely accepted.
~Edited by Sylvan Sylph, Feb 29, 2008 at 6:53 PM

Douglas
Posted at: Feb 29, 2008 at 7:04 PM 
Quote
Just out of curiosity. Should we post questions like this here or in the the All About Writing section?

Yes, this section of the forum was created as a place for people to look for proofreading/editing help on pieces they want to submit for publication in the anthology.

"All About Writing" can be used for more general discussions about writing.

Katie
Posted at: Mar 1, 2008 at 7:28 AM 
Hi Math!

I actually found it to be a bit forced when I was reading it at the places where you spelled out all of your words instead of using contractions.

"It is not that I do not like the cats playing, but I am trying to sleep up here"....

would flow better for me if it said...

"It's not that I don't like the cats playing, but I'm trying to sleep up here."

And you might want to put some emphasis on the "trying" in the last sentence so it sounds like you're a little more aggravated.

"It's not that I don't like the cats playing, but I'm trying to sleep up here."

-Kate

Douglas
Posted at: Mar 1, 2008 at 7:32 AM 
except that...

I am trying

might sound more emphatic than...

I'm trying

I think either way works on that contraction.

Douglas
Posted at: Mar 1, 2008 at 7:34 AM 
Oh, and the way you changed the piece to include "followed by" resulted in a sentence fragment (a sentence without a verb). Doing it as Janee suggested, with it all one sentence, avoids that.

Hannah
Posted at: Mar 2, 2008 at 11:31 AM 
It's a lot better than before. It sounded a bit like a list :) Maybe getting rid of a few 'then's' would be okay too, though. It would be better as all one sentence. :)

Douglas
Posted at: Mar 2, 2008 at 11:33 AM 
I still cringe every time I see this: "I was woken up". Maybe WOW will wander in here and put her grammarian skills to the test with some advice on the verb tense...

Josiah T.
Posted at: Mar 2, 2008 at 11:35 AM 
LOL!! That would be great!! :-)

Douglas
Posted at: Mar 2, 2008 at 11:40 AM 
I was looking at the title of this thread and thinking...

Why are we talking about nosies in the night? Do we have the sniffles? :D

Josiah T.
Posted at: Mar 2, 2008 at 12:26 PM 
No, just someone who can't spell... ;-)

WOW
Posted at: Mar 2, 2008 at 12:31 PM 
(Wandering and wondering) I would write,"I was awakened last night..." I know the grammar checks don't like the passive voice and would probably tell you to write, "I woke up last night....", but I think that since you were asleep you were not very active anyway and the passive fits the circumstances. And (beginning a sentence with a conjunction), something else did it to you, so it really is a passive situation. I like the flow better for what it is worth.

WOW
Posted at: Mar 2, 2008 at 12:34 PM 
I just wandered back and read it again, and it should probably say, "I was awakened last night by hearing the piano playing."

Douglas
Posted at: Mar 2, 2008 at 12:43 PM 
Isn't it funny how one little sentence can generate so many possibilities?

What about "I awoke last night to the sound of the piano playing downstairs"?
Pages:  1   2 
Forum : 2007 - 2008 Anthology : ADVICE: Nosies in the night.

News!    Writing Prompt    My Assignment    FAQ    Contact    Privacy Policy    Search     Terms of Use     Login